Wanting to be a Magician

    When I was younger, I wanted to be a magician. I had received a book from my dad on how I could perform a few tricks. It even showed you how to make a chest bearing secret compartments to store your cards and other tools for magic. I made one with cardboard along with a stick painted black and white for a wand. But I was not particularly good with sleight of hand and I would somehow manage to give away the secret midway through the performance. It was a short-lived dream. Maybe the thing that really made me lose interest was what drew me in, magic. While these tricks might seem like magic to others, knowing the secrets meant it wouldn't be magical to me.

    Going back a little before this instance in the timeline of my life, you'd find an aspiring fashion designer. I had picked up an old dress and a lot of pink tulle and satin determined to sew it onto the dress, seeing as I had no idea how to actually sew one from scratch. I lost interest when I saw it didn't look quite as nice as I imagined it in my head. Yet it was a dream that stayed with me and I still imagine myself being the maker of my own wardrobe one day.

    Then fast forward a little and there comes the girl who wanted to be a singer. It was one skill that I had been moulding ever since I could remember. Singing in the Junior Choir at church, the school choir, and in various solo events, it had become entwined with my identity. However, building a following requires a lot more than passion. It required consistent output. I decided that if I want to make it happen then it would be a long-term goal. I couldn't lose my love for singing by making it something stressful for me. 

    Around this time my family started holding Bible study meetings at our house. It was always something I looked forward to. It became a sort of tradition for me to make cupcakes for these meetings. This was when my dad got me a little book consisting of 150 recipes; all for cupcakes. I would go on to make a lot of them, it had some recipes that I would have never imagined would work. From the classic chocolate, salted caramel, coffee and lemon to the strange lavender and coconutty mango. It didn't always work well for me. The disaster of the cinnamon-apple cupcakes where I accidentally added two tablespoons of cinnamon instead of two teaspoons shall remain a harrowing tale. But for the most part I found out how much I enjoyed the process of it. Even more than the tasting side of it. It was rewarding.

    This was what lead to my dream of pursuing Culinary Arts. I wanted to know more than what I could learn through books. However, there was no one I could apprentice for. To pursue it as a degree was expensive, especially considering that I was stubbornly wanting to learn from the absolute best. By the end of 12th grade I realized that I have to do something else until I could get back to this. Something stable, something that I could fall back on in case I lose myself in a romanticized dream and find that I cannot support myself, something to perhaps fund this dream.

    This was when I developed an interest towards insects. I had a love for birds even before this. I had started collecting feathers at a young age, owned a couple of field guides and bird encyclopaedias, and, I quite like rodents. Perhaps I am secretly three cats wearing a human skin... Horrifying thought indeed, but jokes aside, Biology was my favourite part of science in school and I learnt it with great zeal. Adding another reason which shall be elaborated in the following paragraphs, I ended up applying for a Zoology course. To my dismay, I did not get in. In that time, I had also applied for Botany and English at the same institute. I was accepted for both, but seeing as I was not as interested in Botany, I felt like it was time to return to my long-lost lover.

    So, I chose the one subject that I loved most in school, English. You might wonder why I placed Zoology over it then. A large part of it was hubris. I had entertained thoughts of being a writer many times throughout my school years. I believed I was good enough at creative writing. That I knew all I needed to know so, I did not need to learn English any further. My thoughts on it as an area of specialisation was quite narrow minded. I have realized that I would not have gotten far with that attitude. While yes, one does not need to hold a degree in English to write a good book, I've discovered that it was something I needed.

     A part of why I wanted to go into Zoology was to learn in detail about various living creatures so I could craft my own for my stories. I believed I knew enough on the linguistic side to make a compelling story. Yet, becoming a student of English has humbled me. Studying it is more than just understanding the language, it's understanding philosophy, psychology, culture and more. I have realized that while a huge aspect of a story is in the skilful use of the language the message it conveys and the way it is told matters a great deal. I have found that anything can be a text. It was a world of unlimited possibilities. This is where I was meant to be all along. And so here I am in my second year of college pursuing a bachelors in English. 

    I have spoken of my desire to be a magician and told of how I found the experience quite unmagical. Well, writing stories was the exact opposite. To have the scenes in one's imagination put to words and for someone else to read it, possibly widening their perspective, letting them see inside the very being of the writer and themselves and the society they are a part of. The sheer power of words in changing the world; it is the magic in the mundane. It was the magic I wanted to be a part of. 

    This is where you come into the picture, dear reader. This space is where I aim to stretch my wings, to show you the world through my eyes. To journal about the various creative endeavours I explore, whether they fail or succeed. To motivate myself to write. To express my thoughts on what I find interesting. To narrate my experiences with a teaspoon of whimsy. I hope you come along for the ride.

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